Samm's Old Photos with New Captions

New Captions for Old Pictures

Hello friends, Samm Bennett here. In off-hours and snippets of free time here and there, I entertain myself (I'm easily entertained) by writing new captions for old photos and other images. Most of the captions are admittedly silly if not downright stoopid. But, anyway, you can still enjoy the curious old photos and images! And BIG shout out to the Facebook image collector's group PLONSKY, where the great majority of these images were found. New pics always added to the TOP of the page.

Now sold with Junior Malpractice Lawsuit Courtroom Kit.

You bet yer frozen ASS I'll sue you! This is AMERICA, frosty, and I'm gonna take you for everything you're WORTH!

Gee, that big hole in the spacecraft looks like it'll make reentry a little difficult...

Sure, she *speaks*, but she still skirts the issues...

Or at least... inconvenience!

Well, in fact they do. But they also turn to jazz, hip hop, country and western... even polka.

Great! Now we can start a portable garage band!

Auditioned for the Dennis Hopper role in Blue Velvet, didn't get it.

Moments later the guitarist gave the singer a serious head wound with the hi-hat, and the trombonist finished him off with the snare drum. The saxophonist maintained that grin all the while, and leaving the bandstand was heard to whisper "muhfugga had it comin'..."

I don't care what ANYONE says, the Secret Service uniforms back in the 60s were just a whole lot more FUN.

Hey, Dean Ross is sleeping with your woman
right now, chump. And that's thanks enough for him.

Why bother? Nothing worth hearing down here.

His followup, "Hopes Dashed" sold poorly.

Seconds later, the board swung right into the poor kid's head. Crying shame, is what it is. But... whaddayougunnado?

Duh. He shoulda just gone to a head shop.

No, no! Squeeze from the BOTTOM of the tube!

An hour later he lay unconscious on the floor, covered in wedding cake,
as the police led her out of the house in handcuffs.

Partner product: VOIDO. Kills stupid ideas and your tendency to voice them.

Wouldn't work. Republicans would just fund Monsanto to develop a way
to stop people from breathing. Gotta keep the war machine running, you know.

Pulled a three year bid for bad posture.

Moments later he raised his right hand, at astonishing speed, and switched off the lights.
When they managed to get the lights back on, grandpa and the gold clock were both gone.

Sure, it's all fun and games until that little tower topples over and you break your hip and your rifle accidentally discharges and the bullet goes through the window of your neighbor's house while your neighbor is being visited by the Saudi ambassador, who is instantly killed, triggering an international crisis that sends the price of oil skyrocketing and causes a total global economic meltdown.

Next in series: HOW TO DELIVER A PIZZA

Actually, many of my favorites are, inexplicably, not represented here.

I would, but I don't have a car OR a gun.

Hey, kid, I'll jump into that buggy and floor it and REALLY give ya something to cry about.

Thanks, ladies, I'll pass. Heading over to the Black Panther Party all-nighter.

Also for opportunities in bad graphic design.

I'll bet he says that to all the girls.

The combined black of his socks and shoes and her hair and sunglasses create,
when combined, a portal to another dimension, which the woman passing by
is being transported into at this very instant. She was never seen again.

His younger, clothed self, passing by in an inexplicable time warp.

When men were men and bombs were bombs
and beaches were beaches.

And just think, if he had been born left-handed,
this brilliant career would have remained
but an elusive dream.

Whadda? You here for my son Tony? Wha bizness you got wid him?
Do I know you? Paulie, you know dis guy?

No, Brad. Sorry. The Shaggs are better than the Beatles.
And you can never hope to be as good as the Shaggs.

Moments later beaten senseless and left for dead. All because
a coupla rogue cops just didn't like the looks of his feet.

I don't see what's so damn funny.

Don't gimme that smiley face, jerk. And stop waffling.

Hey, the technology is amazing, really impressive, but.. can't you fix that big hole in the wall?

She's just about to do her "precision spitting" routine, which REALLY drives the men wild!

Must be Ed Sullivan's.

Hey, come on… she doesn't *hate* men, she just thinks they look better hurtling toward the pavement.

Did you call his name out as he held you down?
Oh no, my darling, not with that clown
-Elvis Costello

Wow, standards have really declined at the Wailing Wall.

I dunno, Bobby, them "Sonic Youth" guitars still sound all outta tune to me…
you sure you got this record player workin right?

Outside, people pass, walking their dogs, going in and out of buildings, riding in busses or limousines…
all of them completely unaware, totally oblivious to the magnificent socks of their hidden overlords.

Damn! Wouldn't you know it? I only brought 23 snake bite kits!

"… and THIS is the humerus." "No, no, Bob, that's the radius"
"Hey, both of you, let's all just agree, it's an ARM BONE, OK? Now let's go grab a coupla beers before work."

Where my collar will be even BIGGER!

The new iPhone 6 obviously has some problems.

Yer mama.

Across Central Park, apparently.

Queen is completely unaware that the handshake carries with it the ancient m'Dyambo curse:
*your son will have big ears*.

When asked about his greatest inspiration, Keith Moon answered
"this bloke I once met down in the Cocos Islands"

An old trick. Get granny to look away from the grill, then steal her pork chop. Works every time.

Entertain themselves at night by watching pencils roll across the floor.

Well, I know one thing: if it's a grey mare, and she
ain't what she used to be... she's old.

Santa's lawyer fields questions concerning
the reindeer abuse charges.

Double chin pulled back and redirected into hairdo,
giving it extra height.

Why, is he a good tipper?

But, hey, where's the *real* father? Deadbeat dad.

Everybody's got something to hide 'cept for them and their monkeys.

Foolish human. You don't *really* understand.
I'm trying to tell you you're about to be swallowed by a killer whale.

Is very aware that Elvis has left the building.

I preferred his earlier work, My Way With The Hungarian.

"Sir, once you listen to some of this *Krautrock*, I think youll see why it is imperative
that we invade Germany immediately."

Back in the 1980s, avant-garde DJ and performance artist Tammy Tonearm mounted a stylus on each nipple, manipulating recorded sound in a unique and revolutionary new way. Reviewing her show at New York's "Kitchenette", Village Voice music critic Kyle Sham characterized her sound as "jiggly yet firm, and ripe with potential".

Her parents: "Dear, we don't care that he's black, really, but…
we hoped you wouldn't fall for a circus clown!"

Yes, there is a hem on his shirt. Observant fellow.

I prefer to
withdraw… to
withdraw… to
withdraw… to
withdraw… to
withdraw…

Moments before the flaming bagel sword was driven straight through Hyman's skull.

"No, no, it's a F# minor diminished, with an augmented 13th! And it comes in on the and of four in the 17th measure! How many times I gotta tell ya, Joey?"

They don't have to, they can see you're drowning.

Did you call his name out as he held you down?
Oh no, my darling, not with that clown
-Elvis Costello

No, I don't see a woman's derriere and fleshy thighs here.
Uh-uh. Not at all. I don't know what you're talking about.

The muck from the VERY bottom is the tastiest,
as this gentleman is well aware.

Yeah, one of 'em's friendly enough.
The other one's an asshole.

Court will now adjourn for one hour while the plaintiff and the defendant accompany
the judge to the judge's chambers, for… instruction.

Little Jimmy was the only kid who responded, well… a little *differently* to nuclear power.

Them's fightin' words! I mean… utterances… um, enunciations… or...

Yes, and tragically, so many of them commit insecticide. We need more early crocodile intervention.

Extra-strong Ritalin.

Cause you were priced out of Manhattan. Duh.

You can't make it out from the photographer's shadow, but along with his camera he was holding a pistol. The shot he fired, seconds after snapping this photo, went straight through the accordion bellows and into her heart, killing her instantly.
He later told police he was so, so sorry for
damaging a perfectly good accordion

Too bad you're such a little freak, though. Now get out.

Guy walks into a bar, bartender says "WOOF".

There's a fresh corpse behind him in those woods.

Seconds later… decapitation.

Join me for a cuppa blow?

Quick! Get outta the way! That thing is flying low! Why, heck, it must be doin' at least THREE MILES AN HOUR! And what in the tarnation is Abe Lincoln doin' on it?

Ah, yes, the old "try to eat the washcloth without tipping over the brick" trick.
It ain't easy, pal, and anyone that tells you it is is LYING.

"… and this is the Mystic Chamber of Talla-KlooKloo, where the demigod MuPlaPla
commanded me to roll up my trouser legs, roll down my socks, and wear a girly beret."

Nah. Keeping on your feet is overrated.

This will definitely bring those Republicans around to the idea of arts funding.

"Nice to meet'cha! My name's AAAGGGHHH! And this is my pal, Joe.
Don't make fun of his weird name, though, OK? He's sensitive."

Though a relatively rare occurrence, abstract paintings *are* known to occasionally attack the facial area.

And for Lucy I blow your FOOT off! And for Esmerelda I blow your OTHER foot off! And for...

… flies over the scene, oblivious to the goings-on below him. He arrives in Cleveland on time, at 6:45 PM.
The boy provides a tasty meal for the lizard, who then leaves to see his cousin in Kalamazoo.

Now THAT'S parenting!

Best way to dry out a head is on the windowsill.
Don't wanna let 'em fall off, though.

Now we know! Neither one came *first*. They both showed up at the same time, the chicken AND the egg. On this lady's hat.

His "morning wood" is the real thing...

We had him over the other night. Truth be told, once all the "how did you get so
green and weird and slimy" talk was done, he was a crashing bore.

The man who taught James Brown everything he didn't need to know.

With her two children. Raised 'em in a cave, sure, but they've turned out to be wonderful kids anyway!

"In a suit like this, I can roll all the way back down the mountain unscathed!"

Makes completely average cakes with "Reasonably Good" milk and "Nothing Special" eggs.

Three of 'em wound up n the federal pen. One of 'em's dead.
The last guy, I dunno… I think he's in Dayton.

"A little higher… over to the right… THERE! That's it!"

Sometimes ten cigars is just ten cigars -Sigmund Freud

Gorilla my dreams.

She's really nailing that piece. And thankfully, she's not using that stupid "hammer-on" technique, but she's getting
a driving sound, nonetheless. Obviously, she gets
the point of the performance. She's a sharp kid.

Fresh outta jail and ready to go open a hydrant!
Ah, it's great to get back to a life of CRIME!

But Satan has the better riffs.

I Leave Because - You're Out Of Tune

The miniature-guillotine-disguised-as-a-mic brought a swift
and gruesome end to the lives of many a musician
who passed through the WBZ studios.

Owl be seeing you, in all the old familiar places...

Moments later hit by a train.

Not if this help doesn't involve handing me a bag full of cash and then leaving my sight forever

I dunno… looks more like Florida to me.

They weren't entirely sure that they would.

She's just heard John Coltrane's "Ascension".

I lava good party.

One of the early toilet designs. Didn't catch on.

Ivory on Gravy Train is her favorite snack,
but we have to hold her head like this so she doesn't see what it really is.

A miserable, wasted life of crime. And all because his optician couldn't fit him with a pair of glasses that sat in the right place on his face. No wonder that he took to thieving and drink.

This is why so many listeners preferred
Swing or even Dixieland.

Actually, "ungh! ungh!" means "I consider us no more than acquaintances."

She has a little man living in that hair. A little man who demands saxophone music throughout the day.

Ceci n'est pas une pipe des yeux.
or…
Richard Burton's most demanding role.

Jimmy's now doing a 10 year bid at Attica,
and we're not all that proud of him anymore.

And with this ingenious invention, Bernard finally felt ready to start… playing the congas!

For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory hole...

Just TRY and tell me this guy wasn't a serial killer.

This is Suzanne, just after realizing she actually has no place by the river to take you down to,
nor any tea and oranges that come all the way from China.

Poor fellow suffered all his life from BCS. (Blurry Chin Syndrome)

You see? People are always quoting James Brown

Yeah, but Paulie's gun jammed, and I got away through the back window.
And Chinese restaurants are the only safe place for me to be, right now, see?
So stop breakin' my balls.

The reigning 1960 Convention King and Queen were led to a special chamber, whereupon their hearts were cut
from their chests and held aloft, still beating, above the sacred altar to Hunab Ku, Ixchel and Kukulkan.
The gods were appeased, but the Southwestern Petroleum Company held their next year's convention in Schenectady.

Sadly, "Minimalist TV" never really caught on,
and was quietly discontinued in 1959.

Actually, only means "VERY BEST" in a few obscure dialects
of Chinese. More often it means "SUICIDAL MANIAC".

A few days after this was snapped, the T fell in the lake and everyone was confused because who the hell likes a coma?

What's the word I'm looking for... enobling?
Uplifting? Something like that...

The guitar was photoshopped in: on the original he held a naked dead body.

And I laid down my gun and JOINED 'em! And now I'm so happy, living under a
collective system where everyone's needs are met! Come join us, comrades!

Paw said "boy, when I die, I'm-a gunna leave this machine to YOU! And I jes' hope you'll figger out whut
tah DO with it, cuz I never could."

Or at least give you a bad hair day.

And my mind for extortion. And my monogrammed bathrobe for an arson fire starter. And my son's go-cart for interstate transfer of unbonded liquor.
And my...

It wasn't so bad for her in there until they started playing the Shaggs. Woman just couldn't take it.

Place was always my favorite hang.

"Um... did you read the tech rider? I specified a
stack of Marshalls and a 24 inch kick..."

"The artist captured mother perfectly, don't you think?"
"Yes, but he should've included the gas mask and the mayonnaise, which were her trademarks, really."

Where strawberry jam became a fixation that would drive them INSANE!
(in fact, that may well be the actual storyline...)

Alan Ende: "Hi, ladies!"
Linoleum: "You'se a STUPID muhfukkah, ain'tcha?"

Further proof that the REAL party people do Sundays. Saturdays are for amateurs.

Then the neighbors called me and told me to shut up.

Well, they're certainly a menace now that they're going for $5000 a month and are full of futures traders...

He's been struck in the foot by a miniature car! Fortunately, he can keep his balance by leaning on that small street lamp,
and perhaps that tiny man can also come to his assistance.

DO NOT START RUMORS? Of course they meant "don't play that Fleetwood Mac record". But typically, they misspelled "rumours". Stupid Americans.

"Why are you showing me photographs of these non-elephants?"

Remember when all American school kids bowed toward Mecca several times a day? And each morning began with a rousing version of the Communist anthem, The Internationale? Things sure have changed!

I did, and suffered an unspeakable injury.

He said he could play the mandolin,
but I knew he was lion.

It was tough there in Indianapolis, though, for Mister Pancake. He and Mister Donut just didn't get along.

A happy beanbag, eh? Hey, why don't you join our discussion group? Tom here is a giddy hockey puck, Sylvia is a mildly amused tennis ball, Eduardo is a grumpy jumprope, and Gladys over there in the corner is a clinically
depressed badminton racquet.

Class photo at school for the clinically shy.

I went up to New York and heard this "John Cage" feller playing what he calls a "prepared piano"... hah! PREPARED PIANO? I says to him, "John lemme jes' show you how we do it out in Wyoming, buddy!"

I dunno about the other two, but that penguin is definitely stoned.

I'd like a clever toilet-shaped bar for MY home! Where might I purchase this item?

Letterman's gone too far this time, putting Paul Shaffer into a skit with a dangerous gorilla.

Hey, wait a minute! That is NOT that guy's real head!

Caught on film! WMFO DJ attaches wire from station to railroad track, effectively expanding MFO's broadcasting range to the entire country! Now EVERYONE can enjoy the Shaggs!

Proof is gradually surfacing, here and there, that Marcel Duchamp did some moonlighting
as a catalog photo shoot designer.

She doesn't know why the caged bird sings.

You know, they say two heads are better than one, but there's a reason that logic didn't extend to the number three.

Translation: (Picture 1): Citizens! In time of drought, water your flowers and plants first. They have
priority! Your baby may cry, but you are advised to ignore this.

(Picture 2) If your child picks your flowers, you are advised to beat him with a shawarma skewer. Do not, however, give him any of the meat.

(Picture 3) Tell child a funny story, perhaps about an alligator. Demonstrate with your hands the chomping action of the alligator's jaws. When child has relaxed and you have gained his trust, you may then seize him, carry him to his room and lock him in for as long as necessary. Then be sure to water your flowers again.

My hair used to look like the guy at top middle. Now it looks like the guy at left, but is on its way to looking like the guy in bottom middle. And how do I feel about that? Like the guy at right.

Yes sir, we'll keep her in the vault for you until the end of the month!

Beth's followup release, "Science Fiction Novel for Ocelots" was even better.

Little by little we're learning more about Rene Magritte's brief but nonetheless important tenure as creative director for the National Broadcasting Company.

Bear is like, "Yeah! Karma's a BITCH, ain't it?"

"Hell yeah, I'm happy! What, don't I LOOK happy?"

Decades before the art world embraced Appropriation, these visionaries were blazing the trail. They met a tragic end, however, when the drummer discovered that the clarinetist had written a note to Cathy (the drummer's wife) right there on his own bass drum head. In a fit of rage he killed all his bandmates, which, he told police afterward, was "the appropriate thing to do."

Meh. The 'combination arrow and nose flute' thing
is so tired. It *is* the first time I've seen the derby resonator added though, so he gets points for that.

A crack team of surgeons and dentists from around the world were, sadly, unable to ever align her teeth with the rest of her face.

And not only that... that jacket's too big for you!

Well, it may be seven steps to heaven, but It's
EIGHT steps to trademark.

Actually, my troubles are eating ME away, so...
yeah, maybe I'll try this!

See the light at the end of the tunnel? Good! Now shoot it.

I preferred Gooch's followup novel,
"Aroused Anesthesiologist"

Theremin who know what this gal is doing,
and theremin who don't.

... but you'll never get the exquisite tone out of that thing as many of our finest saw players.
I suggest you stick with the kazoo."

Hey, these fellows sure know how twerk on a car!

He's jes' gunna dump 'er on the bed'n then git raht back out thar'n FIX THAT CAR!

Phil Spector's earliest recording session. And look! He was behind bars even then!

Car knocked EVERY SINGLE LEAF off that tree, AND broke a guitar. That's the REAL tragedy here.

Poor little thing... the hat covered a huge, unsightly growth on his head. Before he got the derby, they used to call him "plaster head". Which, of course, rhymes with Master Bread. That was just a coincidence, though.

Taught Sartre everything he knows.

May save your marriage, but it'll do NOTHING for your misuse of apostrophes.

Many are unaware that Joey Ramone's sisters also had a band. The Ramonettes.

That little drawer on the desk is where they keep extra copies of the Shaggs CD that they're playing this fellow, non-stop, 24 hours a day. The lady, meanwhile, is outfitted with a high tech video direct-to-eye player that loops the shower scene from Psycho over and over and over. The experiments are coming along quite well.

The original inspiration for Elton John's "tiny dancer in my hand", discovered at last!

This is why they bow in Japan,
rather than shaking hands.

Toni van der Does, or Toni van der Doesn't? Only her boyfriend knows for sure!

I always preferred Reprehensible Chuckle, myself.
Used to have a subscription!

Family Member Removal Service always does such neat and thorough work. I'd use them anytime!

I'm sorry, but don't you have any magazines that are a little more *specialized*? I mean, this general interest stuff gets a little old.

Ceci n'est pas quatre pipes.

An absolutely riveting performance. A stunning spectacle, unmatched in its verve and intensity. The audience, rapt and transfixed throughout, rose to their feet at the end in a spontaneous standing ovation, punctuated with cheers of bravo!
Truly a night that neither entertainer nor spectator will ever forget.

Shouldn't she be wearing a muʻumuʻu?

Once the Great Plains were dotted with fellows like these, electric guitar in hand, amp, mic and recording rig at the ready, just waiting for some drifter to pass by and listen to a tune or two. Nowadays, of course, they're replaced by the Miley Cyrus types, swinging through the vast grasslands naked on their wrecking balls. Times have changed.

This was Martin Buber's company before he sold it to Lincoln Engineering and went into philosophy full time.
"Martin Buber's Multi-Luber", it was called.

Here it is, darling, your ex-husband's ear in a box.
NOW can we marry?

What's he talking about?
That's when it's time to open another bottle!

But does Marshall Cleaver engage in extreme auto-erotic practices involving live electrical wires and stuffed animals? YES!

I read this book. It was hob'ble.

Due to lack of Highway Dept. funding for fiscal 1957, the new stretch of interstate ends abruptly near Planktonville in McGhee County. A giant religious symbol has been placed there to alert motorists, although on foggy days there have been cases of rather nasty head-on collisions resulting in death. However, our local clergymen assure us that any such fatalities will result in the driver's soul's swift ascension to heaven.

Terrible about what happened to Julian's foot, only
moments after this photo was snapped.

Only a few years later little Junior would devise an enormous and fiendishly deadly mouse trap for mom and dad, who'd humiliated and embarrassed him for so many years.

Author of "Murder in the Radio Department", sure, but Eichler also penned the lesser-known "Slight Injury in the Vocal Booth" and "Stubbed Toe in the Circuitry Assembly Room".

Senses so dulled by overeating and altitude that he doesn't
yet know the knife is plunged into his own thigh.

The combination TV/planter was a huge hit, replicated time and again by television manufacturers and sold in garden and
florist shops around the country.

Trip Taylor at the piano? I'll try it! (I once tripped him at the bar and another time at the grocery store and those were hilarious)

Ah yes, ol' Hair Pants! I went to school with this guy! He still has that same "Hair Paints caught in the headlights" expression he always had!

And emotions while brushing his teeth. And doubts while
clipping his nose hairs. And...

Next thing we knew baby was clear across the canyon! Took us two days to reach 'im!
He was fine, though, living on roots and berries...

I'll be damned if he's gonna supervise MY county!

Moments later, the two shrunk down to tiny size, boarded the ship atop the television, and sailed away to the Land of Stiff Little People, where they remain to this day.

The giant flower monster waited till little Billy and his puppy were at their most relaxed and vulnerable.
Then he ate them.

JACK: "Vaht, vaht? You sink my hat izz funnay? Vell, let me tell you meeztah zmart-pants, my HEAD izz zhaped like ziss,
so I HAVE to vehr ziss hat! And my bruzzer Gill, too! Zo just stop your sneekering NOW, you detestable leetle oaf!"
GILL: "You tell heem, Jack!"

People in Japan, Korea and eastern China
are advised to NOT LOOK UP.

Good GOD! Look at the Stains on that CARPET!

While "Forks and Knives" displayed enough literary flair to launch his career, the author really didn't hit his stride until the magnificent "Spoons". However, his followup "Chopsticks" was characterized by a cheap Orientalism, and with "Intravenous Tubes" he just got plain depressing.

Gosh, I've been clicking and clicking, but I guess the link is dead. Or maybe it's my browser.

Skittles my ass! This is mice fighting, before it was outlawed.

just help yourself
to this self help custard
then try a little bit
or our self help mustard
our self help jellies
will do you right
and our self help whisky?
you'll wanna drink it all night

(True, this is more of a poem than a caption... if you'd like to check out more of my "Internet Poetry" (silly little verses inspired by things I've found on the internet and originally written as comments in internet threads) then please visit HERE.)

You know, there'd be FAR fewer gun deaths if every citizen was sufficiently armed with FISH. I support the right of every citizen to bear fish. When fish are outlawed only outlaws will have fish. Fish don't kill, PEOPLE do. They can have my fish when they pry it from my cold, dead fingers. Give a man a fish, and he has a weapon to use once, but TEACH a man to fish, and he has an endless supply of weapons.

"It's for you. There's been a terrible accident, and your entire family is dead.
But... on the bright side... YOUR PHONE IS WORKING JUST FINE!"

New Captions for Old Pictures

Now sold with Junior Malpractice Lawsuit Courtroom Kit.

That's all for now, but I add new ones constantly, so come on back soon, y'hear?Meanwhile, check more of Samm's photo / image & historical galleries

That's all for now, but I add new ones constantly, so come on back soon, y'hear?
Meanwhile, check more of Samm's photo / image & historical galleries